Every time—and it happens often—I’m called a liar for saying that I’ve never had a fight with my wife, it makes it hard for me to listen to what is otherwise probably a good message. I could call out a specific preacher, but honestly, I’ve heard the same thing from enough sources that I don’t think I need to. Here’s how it usually goes:
{humorous statement about arguing/fighting couples}
Every husband and wife fights. If you say you don’t have fights, you’re either stupid or a liar.
{laughter}
What you need to do, though, is to learn to fight well.
{rest of the message about resolving conflict properly instead of fighting}
“What are you, some kind of idiot?”
Perhaps—but in this case, I don’t think so. I’m not so naive as to believe that my marriage—or any marriage—is without disagreements. Neither my wife nor I are passive, roll-over-to-avoid-conflict type of people. What we did, though, was to listen to some excellent counsel from good teachers and observe some excellent examples; early on we intentionally developed patterns to resolve conflict together, and now it’s not a struggle.
I don’t say this as though it’s anything I’ve done; I have benefited from the Spirit’s work in my life, from excellent teaching, and from good examples. I am truly thankful for this wonderful gift.
In other words, we’re practicing what you’re preaching. We’re resolving conflict instead of fighting. Or, to put it in the terms you’re using, we’re “fighting well.”
“C’mon, that’s just semantics.”
Okay. I’ll admit that. But I think they are important semantics. Let’s look at a dictionary definition of a fight.
fight, n.
- The action of fighting. Now only arch. in phrase (valiant, etc.) in fight . in fight: engaged in battle.
- In obvious phrases: to fang, take (the) fight , to give fight , to make (a) fight .
- Method of fighting. Obs.
- A combat, battle.
- A hostile encounter or engagement between opposing forces
- A combat between two or more persons or animals. Not now usually applied (exc. rhetorically) to a formal duel, but suggesting primarily either the notion of a brawl or unpremeditated encounter, or that of a pugilistic combat.
- With various qualifying attributes. sham fight: a mimic battle (intended to exercise or test the troops engaged, or simply for display). single fight: a duel. stand-up fight: one in which the combatants ‘stand up’ manfully to each other.
- fight-off, a contest to decide a tie in a fencing match.
- fight-back n. a retaliation, rally, or recovery
- fig. Strife, conflict, struggle for victory
- Power, strength or inclination for fighting; pugnacity. Also in to show fight.
- A kind of screen used during a naval engagement to conceal and protect the crew of the vessel. Usually in pl. Obs. See also close-fight n.
- foremost fight n. nonce-use a breastwork on a rampart; = forefight n. Latin propugnaculum.
- A division of an army in battle array.
Those aren’t qualities I’m eager to apply to any conversations I have with my wife. In fact, I’ve made a pointed effort to avoid that kind of confrontation.
“But the rest of the message was so good.”
Yes, exactly! That’s why it’s so frustrating for me. It’s somewhere between bizarre and absurd for me to hear an excellent sermon about conflict resolution, but have it called “fighting.” After one of these messages (it was part of an excellent marriage conference), I asked the speaker for his working definition of a “fight,” and his response was essentially, a disagreement with or without verbal/physical abuse. So, why call it a fight then?
I would suggest that the reason is that it (1) sounds edgier so it catches more attention and (2) puts people at ease with the current state of their marriage so they don’t “tune out” the rest of the message.
“So what’s the big deal, then? Why not?”
- The second reason above is my first reason against using “fight” terminology. Lulling people to sleep about their unhealthy and sinful practices is not the best way to convince them to change. It is beneficial to strike a contrast between the good and bad way to resolve conflict.
- The word “fight” has a connotation in our society; if it didn’t, speakers wouldn’t choose it. The connotation is not one of love and working together, it’s adversarial and divisive.
- It alienates those who are genuinely trying to do what’s right when you call them a liar.
I would suggest a couple of alternate terms that will be widely understood and would be more broadly applicable and true to the spirit of the message. I’m sure there are plenty of other alternatives as well.
“disagreement” vs. “fight”
A disagreement is just that, when two points of view are not the same. It applies both to the over/under toilet paper dispute (the correct answer is “under”) or to a violent, physical fight.
“conflict resolution” vs. “fighting well”
The action word in each of those terms is what makes the difference. “Fighting well” is still fighting. In the term “conflict resolution,” the emphasis is on resolving the conflict—facing it, and working through it.